Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Student #2: There were four. Now there's three.
Student #3: The sub ate one.
Math Teacher: Can I mark off your homework?
Student: Today's not a good day.... It's going to rain.
Student #1: My project is a whisk. You use it to beat eggs.
Student #2 (raises hand and asks): Can you use it to beat people?
Random student comes into our math class: [Teacher], I'm going to have you for math next year, and if you fail me, I swear to God I'll walk on your grave.
Random student (a guy): [Teacher], I think we should get our nails done this weekend.
Teacher: This isn't that hard, write faster.
Student: We're not computers.
Teacher: You're not?
Teacher: Man, I wanted a class of computers.
Student: Well then go down to the main office.
Teacher: A variable resistor is used to change speed of motors, dim lights, adjust TV settings- [student], what's it used for?
Student: ...Change speed of dim lights.
Teacher: Something's dim.
Two girls walk into class.
Girl #1: ...your excretory system is working properly.
Girl #2: Thanks for announcing it to the whole class!
Teacher: Earth's magnetic field is relatively weak compared to the fields that mess up electronics.
Student: Aha! Earth has a weakness!
Student: I'm going to kill my mom! She put a dollar bill in my sandwhich and lunch meat in a seperate baggie.
Girl #1: [Guy #1], did you finish your ferris wheel?
Girl #2: Wait, what did you say?
Girl #1: I asked him if he finished his ferris wheel, his physics project.
Girl #2: Oh, it sounded like you asked him if he finished his affair.
[All three of them laugh]
Girl #1: I don't care about your love life!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Teacher: Sometimes you feel like throwing somebody out the window.
Student: Unfortunately, this is only a two story building.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Teacher: We're going to go around the room and everyone say something with a motor in it.
Student #1: Fan
Student #2: Car
Student #3: Train, like the kind that goes around a Christmas tree.
Student #4: Airplane.
Student #5: Christmas tree.
Teacher: Can you be more specific?
Student #5: No.
Student #6: Refrigerator.
Student #7: Boat.
Student #8: Vibrator.
Teacher: [Student], you're on my list.
Student: What list?
Student #2: Schindler's list.
Student (talking about something we should have learned in chemistry but didn't because the teacher was incompetent): We skipped that chapter- along with the other fifteen!
Student: I'm really curious, how do they name these things [measurement units]?
Teacher: Well, sometimes if you discover it, and you write a textbook or an article, you can name it, or else future generations name it after you. Like the Newton was...
Student: Jimmy Neutron!!!
Student #1, to teacher: Are you this funny with your kids? (to other students) Does he have kids?
Student #2: No.
Student #1: Well then, are you this funny with your wife?
Student #1: Poor wife.
Student #3: Are you married?
Student #2 (sarcastically): No, he just has a wife.
The class is discussing to what extent Jefferson went against his political philosophy, and the teacher thows away a piece of paper.
Student: Did you just throw away that papaer? You didn't recycle it? Did you know the amount of paper people throw away every day could circle the globe twice?
Teacher (defensively): Hey, Jefferson owned slaves!
Student [about other student]: Doesn't he look like Harold? Have you watched Harold and Kumar? He looks like Harold, only not a stoner and with glasses, but he looks just like him, he's Korean and everything.
Student #1 (in another math class): What are you studying in math?
Student #2: Limits. They don;t exist.
Student: Can we leave the answer in that form?
Teacher: Sure. I'm easy, not many people would admit that.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Student: What if it's Jesus?
Student #1: I was watchin Forest Gump last night, and-
Student #2: Don't ruin it for me! I've never seen it.
Student #3: You've never seen Forest Gump? You're not a real American!
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Teacher: How do you say image in Spanish?
Student: La image. (pronounced la im-ah-hay)
Teacher: Okay, donde es la image? La image esta alli. (draws image on graph)
Student #2: Why are you speaking German?
After the class just changed seats:
Student #1: I hate it here in the back.
Teacher: Do you need to sit in front so you can see?
Girl sitting next to her: Yes she does.
Student#1: No I don't.
Student #2: Yes she does.
Student #1: No, I don't.
Student #2: Yes she does!!!
Teacher: So that's fiber optics.
Student: Is that how we have light sabers?
Teacher: You have specular reflective planes, mirrors, in your bedrooms, your bathrooms, where else...
Student #1: Attics!
Student #2: Swimming pools.
Teacher: So the sun is the light source for the ones you see in the sky when it rains-
Student: What about at night?
Teacher: You see rainbows at night?
Teacher: Well, what's the light source?
Student: I don't know, I'm asking you!!!
Teacher: How do you test if your sunglasses are polarized?
Student: Look into the sun.
Teacher: This type of lens can only make upright, virtual images that are smaller than the object.[students are talking] [Student], what type of images can this lens make?
Student: Uh, virtual.
Teacher: Virtual, go on.
Student: Virtual images!
Teacher: If I were to make the sun disappear with my Harry Potter powers-
Student: They can't do that!!!
The swim team is leaving class to go to a swim meet.
Student #2:Good luck!
Student #3: Break a leg!
Student #4: Don't drown!
Teacher: What happens if you listen to loud music over time?
Student: You die!
Teacher: What is sound?
Teacher: What kind of waves?
Student: Sound waves!
Teacher: In a band, first chair is a coveted position.
Student: Is it more comfy?
Teacher: It's hard to make sounds under water, but there are animals that make sounds under water. Anybody know any?
Student #1: Whales.
Student #2: Dolphins.
Student #3: Dori!
Teacher: Whales used to be able to sing to each other from thousands of miles away. But they can't anymore. Anyone know why?
Student #1: Pollution.
Student #2: It's too expensive.
Student #1: What's your name?
Student #2: Domingo.
Student #1: Like the fruit???
Teacher: I will have some horizontal asymptope action.
Student: That sounds dirty.
Teacher: So the limit as X approaches C DNE because the RHL DNE the LHL.
Student #1: So many letters!
Student #2: If you read the answers to this homework over the phone, the CIA would wiretap you.
Student tries to translate, Do you prefer that I turn on the air conditioning?
Teacher: Do you prefer for me to turn you on? No! You prefer for me to turn the air conditioner on.
(a miniute later, to another student): No, you don't prefer for me to get on top of you.
Student: They're, like, a monopoly charity, They take over everything!
Friday, March 21, 2008
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Girl: No thanks.
Guy: Only a Communist would pass up a deal like this.
Girl: Communist? You're the one wearing red!
Guy #1: ...in the knees, the balls, or the gallbladder.
Guy #2: I have a gallbladder!
Guy #1: My mom doesn't. She had it removed.
Guy #2: I have 6 gallbladders. To float.
Guy #1: Hw many gallstones do you have?
On a Friday:
Physics Teacher: Failures are important because they're the lessons of tommorow.
Student: You mean Monday.
Teacher: I mean the future!
Friday, February 29, 2008
Student: Does anyone watch Lost?
Teacher: Lost? Oh, that's a TV show. I thought you were talking about my Algebrebra 1 class... I'm trying to teach them quadratic functions...
From in class, we can hear someone yell in the hall: Wagner took my balls!!!
Teacher (incredulously), to student: You never read Harold and the Purple Crayon?
Student: Well, sorry, I was reading Machiavelli.
Student: I want to write a children's book: Little children love each other. A lot.
[Guy randomly walks out of the classroom]
Girl [loudly, to class]: That's my boyfriend! [everyone looks at her] Just kidding. That's what I tell my mom whenever we're driving and we see some weird guy.
Teacher: Your mom doesn't know your boyfriend?
Girl's friend: She doesn't have one.
Girl [still talking loudly, to the whole class]l: I wish I had a boyfriend.
Random student, after pause: That's awkward.
Teacher: You can't pull liquid up a straw. There is no such force as suction.
Student: Then what idiot came up with the word???