Student #1, to physics teacher: One of your fish died while the sub was here.
Teacher: What?
Student #2: There were four. Now there's three.
Student #3: The sub ate one.

Math Teacher: Can I mark off your homework?
Student: Today's not a good day.... It's going to rain.

Student #1: My project is a whisk. You use it to beat eggs.
Student #2 (raises hand and asks): Can you use it to beat people?

Random student comes into our math class: [Teacher], I'm going to have you for math next year, and if you fail me, I swear to God I'll walk on your grave.

Random student (a guy): [Teacher], I think we should get our nails done this weekend.

Teacher: This isn't that hard, write faster.
Student: We're not computers.
Teacher: You're not?
Student: No!
Teacher: Man, I wanted a class of computers.
Student: Well then go down to the main office.

Teacher: A variable resistor is used to change speed of motors, dim lights, adjust TV settings- [student], what's it used for?
Student: ...Change speed of dim lights.
Teacher: Something's dim.

Two girls walk into class.
Girl #1: ...your excretory system is working properly.
Girl #2: Thanks for announcing it to the whole class!

Teacher: Earth's magnetic field is relatively weak compared to the fields that mess up electronics.
Student: Aha! Earth has a weakness!

Student: I'm going to kill my mom! She put a dollar bill in my sandwhich and lunch meat in a seperate baggie.

Girl #1: [Guy #1], did you finish your ferris wheel?
Girl #2: Wait, what did you say?
Girl #1: I asked him if he finished his ferris wheel, his physics project.
Girl #2: Oh, it sounded like you asked him if he finished his affair.
[All three of them laugh]
Girl #1: I don't care about your love life!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Teacher: Sometimes you feel like throwing somebody out the window.
Student: Unfortunately, this is only a two story building.

In Physics

Teacher: We're going to go around the room and everyone say something with a motor in it.
Student #1: Fan
Student #2: Car
Student #3: Train, like the kind that goes around a Christmas tree.
Student #4: Airplane.
Student #5: Christmas tree.
Teacher: Can you be more specific?
Student #5: No.
Student #6: Refrigerator.
Student #7: Boat.
Student #8: Vibrator.


Teacher: [Student], you're on my list.
Student: What list?
Student #2: Schindler's list.

Student (talking about something we should have learned in chemistry but didn't because the teacher was incompetent): We skipped that chapter- along with the other fifteen!

Student: I'm really curious, how do they name these things [measurement units]?
Teacher: Well, sometimes if you discover it, and you write a textbook or an article, you can name it, or else future generations name it after you. Like the Newton was...
Student: Jimmy Neutron!!!

Student #1, to teacher: Are you this funny with your kids? (to other students) Does he have kids?
Student #2: No.
Student #1: Well then, are you this funny with your wife?
Teacher: No.
Student #1: Poor wife.
Student #3: Are you married?
Student #2 (sarcastically): No, he just has a wife.

In History
The class is discussing to what extent Jefferson went against his political philosophy, and the teacher thows away a piece of paper.
Student: Did you just throw away that papaer? You didn't recycle it? Did you know the amount of paper people throw away every day could circle the globe twice?
Teacher (defensively): Hey, Jefferson owned slaves!

In Math
Student [about other student]: Doesn't he look like Harold? Have you watched Harold and Kumar? He looks like Harold, only not a stoner and with glasses, but he looks just like him, he's Korean and everything.

Student #1 (in another math class): What are you studying in math?
Student #2: Limits. They don;t exist.

Student: Can we leave the answer in that form?
Teacher: Sure. I'm easy, not many people would admit that.

Teacher: In a lockdown, the number one rule is, "DOn't opem the door." Even if it's someone who went to the bathroom, even if it's the dean, don't open the door.
Student: What if it's Jesus?

Student #1: I was watchin Forest Gump last night, and-
Student #2: Don't ruin it for me! I've never seen it.
Student #3: You've never seen Forest Gump? You're not a real American!

In Physics

Teacher: How do you say image in Spanish?
Student: La image. (pronounced la im-ah-hay)
Teacher: Okay, donde es la image? La image esta alli. (draws image on graph)
Student #2: Why are you speaking German?

After the class just changed seats:
Student #1: I hate it here in the back.
Teacher: Do you need to sit in front so you can see?
Student: No.
Girl sitting next to her: Yes she does.
Student#1: No I don't.
Student #2: Yes she does.
Student #1: No, I don't.
Student #2: Yes she does!!!

Teacher: So that's fiber optics.
Student: Is that how we have light sabers?

Teacher: You have specular reflective planes, mirrors, in your bedrooms, your bathrooms, where else...
Student #1: Attics!
Student #2: Swimming pools.

Discussing rainbows.
Teacher: So the sun is the light source for the ones you see in the sky when it rains-
Student: What about at night?
Teacher: You see rainbows at night?
Student: Yes!!
Teacher: Well, what's the light source?
Student: I don't know, I'm asking you!!!

Teacher: How do you test if your sunglasses are polarized?
Student: Look into the sun.

Teacher: This type of lens can only make upright, virtual images that are smaller than the object.[students are talking] [Student], what type of images can this lens make?
Student: Uh, virtual.
Teacher: Virtual, go on.
Student: Virtual images!

Teacher: If I were to make the sun disappear with my Harry Potter powers-
Student: They can't do that!!!

The swim team is leaving class to go to a swim meet.
Student: Bye!
Student #2:Good luck!
Student #3: Break a leg!
Student #4: Don't drown!

Teacher: What happens if you listen to loud music over time?
Student: You die!

Teacher: What is sound?
Student: Waves.
Teacher: What kind of waves?
Student: Sound waves!

Teacher: In a band, first chair is a coveted position.
Student: Is it more comfy?

Teacher: It's hard to make sounds under water, but there are animals that make sounds under water. Anybody know any?
Student #1: Whales.
Student #2: Dolphins.
Student #3: Dori!

Teacher: Whales used to be able to sing to each other from thousands of miles away. But they can't anymore. Anyone know why?
Student #1: Pollution.
Student #2: It's too expensive.

In Math

Student #1: What's your name?
Student #2: Domingo.
Student #1: Like the fruit???

Teacher: I will have some horizontal asymptope action.
Student: That sounds dirty.

Teacher: So the limit as X approaches C DNE because the RHL DNE the LHL.
Student #1: So many letters!
Student #2: If you read the answers to this homework over the phone, the CIA would wiretap you.

In Spanish

Student tries to translate, Do you prefer that I turn on the air conditioning?
Teacher: Do you prefer for me to turn you on? No! You prefer for me to turn the air conditioner on.
(a miniute later, to another student): No, you don't prefer for me to get on top of you.

In History

Student: They're, like, a monopoly charity, They take over everything!

Over heard in a small town Upstate new York High School:
Exasperated Teenage boy: "And then she said, 'Hi, I'm your ex-girlfriend.' And I said 'Ugh, you don't need to remind me.'"

-Overheard by anonymous

Guy in red sweatshirt: Do you want to buy a candy bar? They're only one dollar!
Girl: No thanks.
Guy: Only a Communist would pass up a deal like this.
Girl: Communist? You're the one wearing red!

Guy #1: ...in the knees, the balls, or the gallbladder.
Guy #2: I have a gallbladder!
Guy #1: My mom doesn't. She had it removed.
Guy #2: I have 6 gallbladders. To float.
Guy #1: Hw many gallstones do you have?

On a Friday:
Physics Teacher: Failures are important because they're the lessons of tommorow.
Student: You mean Monday.
Teacher: I mean the future!

In Math Analysis:
Student: Does anyone watch Lost?
Teacher: Lost? Oh, that's a TV show. I thought you were talking about my Algebrebra 1 class... I'm trying to teach them quadratic functions...

From in class, we can hear someone yell in the hall: Wagner took my balls!!!

Teacher (incredulously), to student: You never read Harold and the Purple Crayon?
Student: Well, sorry, I was reading Machiavelli.

Student: I want to write a children's book: Little children love each other. A lot.

[Guy randomly walks out of the classroom]
Girl [loudly, to class]: That's my boyfriend! [everyone looks at her] Just kidding. That's what I tell my mom whenever we're driving and we see some weird guy.
Teacher: Your mom doesn't know your boyfriend?
Girl's friend: She doesn't have one.
Girl [still talking loudly, to the whole class]l: I wish I had a boyfriend.
Random student, after pause: That's awkward.

In Physics:
Teacher: You can't pull liquid up a straw. There is no such force as suction.
Student: Then what idiot came up with the word???

English Teacher: ...floating arond like twinkle-bell!





Student: [Teacher] was nice today! It was weird, she was all nice!





at 10:53

Student #1: What time is it?

Student #2: It's almost 11:11!!

Student #3: No, it's not really.

Student #2: Yeah, well, it's closer than it was an hour ago.





Teacher: How many watts is that?

Student: Uh, 350 watts.

Teacher: Right, but we're not working in watts, so what are we going to write down?

Other Student: Lies!!!



Math Teacher: If chapter 2 is the heart of math analysis, chapter 3 is the... liver.

Was That Supposed to Be An Insult?

Student #1: That is so cool.
Student #2: Your mom's cool.
Student #1: No, not really.

Youth & Government Advisor, to group of students: Quiet down!
[everyone keeps talking loudly]
Advisor: Yes, talk louder.
[it gets quiet]
Advisor: Okay, that worked.


English Teacher: Do you guys know how hard it is to get body parts? You know, you go to bed with a beautiful woman and wake up in a bathtub of ice with no kidneys?
Student, jokingly: Did that ever happen to you? I mean, did a girl ever steal any of your organs?
Teacher, puts hand on heart: Only this one.

English teacher, about a metaphor in which the earth was compared to a breast: What does a breast do?
Student: It breathes.

In Physics:
When the class doesn't get that the teacher was being sarcastic or falls for something stupid:
Teacher: Next year I am starting a class in AP Sarcasm & Gullibility.
Student: Really???

Physics Teacher: Let's talk about apparent weight versus real weight. On a roller-coaster, which one changes?
Student: Apparent weight.
Other student: Unless you throw up.

Physics Teacher: (sings) It's so fun to mumble to your neighbor. {stops singing) Why am I singing?

Physics Teacher: There's time to get your tests back if we're done reviewing.
Student: There's time, we're done.
Teacher: We're not done!
Student: (yells) Yeah, we are!!!
(stunned silence)
Student: Sorry, that was rude.

History Teacher: By the 1920s, the Klu-Klux Klan doesn't discriminate. They don't just hate black people any more. They hate black people, immigrants, Catholics, femininsts, socialists... They're equal opportunity haters.

Spanish Teacher: If I wake up at three in the morning every day, what am I doing wrong? Going to bed too early?
Student, sort-of quietly: Or you're just crazy.
Teacher: What?
Student: Nothing!

Spanish Teacher: I never called your class dumb. I called you bottom-feeders, I didn't call you guys dumb.

In math class:
Student #1, to Student # 2: You make this class durable. Not durable, what's the word I'm looking for?
(they discuss it, trying to remember. for several minutes)
Student #2: I'm thinking manageable, but that's not right...
Other Student: Endurable.
Student #1: Right, that's it. Thanks.

My Mom: Are you on Facelift? [meaning Facebook]

Math Teacher: Don't forget to dot the helping graph.
[Male] Student: Can we, like, highlight the main graph instead?
Teacher: That's good. Some people put, like, pink highlighter on it. That's always a nice, manly color.

Physics teacher: I mean, my god. I'm trying to tell you guys that this stuff is useful, and then they put a problem with baton twirling in the textbook.
Student #1: There has to be a better example.
Teacher: Oh, like what? Fire twirling?
Student #2: Remember when that one cheerleader twirled fire at that football game?
Teacher: Someone twirled fire and I missed it?!

Student: I think people forget that Ted Kennedy killed that girl because he doesn't really have the demeanor of a killer.
Political science teacher: Yeah. It's not like he wears a necklace with an ear on it or anything.


-Overheard by anonymous

Student [after teacher had sent class to assembly when it wasn't on]:
Well, there's another major cock-up from our wonderful tutor...
Tutor: [Walks through door behind them as they say it]

Chemistry Teacher: This reaction is kind of a-
Student: Miracle, sir?

Teacher #1: [waiting at photocopier, trying to find out if teacher in front has a big load of paper to photocopy] Have you got a big one?
Teacher #2: That's really none of your business...

Teacher: Ok, who wants to wipe my board?
Student: [whispering] I *really* hope that's not a euphemism...

Student: I mean, I enjoy french, I just don't enjoy the teacher...

Teacher: [showing picture of Guy Fawkes & others involved in the gunpowder plot] Who can tell me something all these men had in common?
Student notorious for giving bad answers: [Waving hand in air] Oh, me! Me, sir! Pick me!
Teacher: ... Anyone else?
Student: Me! Me! I know, pick me!
Teacher: Ok ... this had better be good...
Student: [with a triumphant air] They all have beards, sir!
Teacher: ...Yes, I can see that, I'm not blind. [walks into desk] That was on purpose.

Teacher: This poster is a fine example of Nazi propaganda ... can anyone tell me what propaganda is?
Student: Is it like ... a male goose, who's like real proper, so-
Teacher: Oh, shut up.


-Overheard by someone at a highschool in the UK.

In English:
Student: What does the green light [in the Great Gatsby] symbolize?
Other Student: The Green Lantern!

Teacher: There's a fine line between romantic and stalking.

In Physics:
Teacher: What's he first purpose of a pulley?
Student: To pull!

Teacher: I don't know 200. I can barely count to ten. [talking about Phillipinino numbers]

In History:
Student: Aren't there a lot of kidnappings in Columbia?
Teacher: Yeah, Columbia and Mexico, but those are wealthy people for ransom, but that doesn't happen much, I mean, how many wealthy people are there?

Somewhere, I can't remember where I overheard this one:
Student: I never stuck my finger up anyone else's ear.

Yeah, Superman.

Student, to teacher: Are you wearing a NASA shirt under that shirt?
Teacher: Yeah. Stop looking through my shirt.

In Spanish class, while learning commands.
Teacher: Lavate pelo. [Wash your hair].
Student: You lava te pelo. Oh wait, you don't have any.

Teacher, about an orange: Make some lemonade.
Student: I can't. I'm not Jesus.

In Math Class [about a parallelogram]
Teacher: It's almost like you took a square and kicked it.

In Physics:
Teacher: What can you lift in this world?
Students suggest examples:
-wood
-boxes
-a pencil
-weights
-your soul
Class: What?
Teacher: How much does it weigh?
Student: Zero grams.

In History:
The bonus question on a quiz was name a monster from a monster movie. Someone said the Hulk.
Teacher: The Hulk isn't a monster, the Hulk's a good-guy.
Student: Depends which side you're on.

This is the first post overheard by someone besides me or my friends!

History Class:
Dumb Girl- Harriet Tubman? Of course I know who that was. She was America's first black president!

Spanish Teacher: [Student], there's no way you can suck hair.


The cover of Student #1's very old math book is coming off.
Student#1: What did you do to my book???
Student #2: Me? What did I do? I didn't do anything.
Student #1: I think my book is trying to commit suicide.


English Teacher: I'm a rugged individualist.
Student: Why don't you live in the woods then?


Student, in presentation about imperialism: Some people say American imperialism never really happened, everything really was just to help poorer countries.
History Teacher: Who are the deaf, dumb, and blind people who think that?

History Teacher, pointing to map showing locations o U.S. troops around the world: We have troops there, too. And over there we're using our air force to bomb people.
[some students laugh]
Teacher: Well, we're working together.


Student in math class, loudly: I like English. Not math.
Teacher: Oh-kaaay...

My friend overheard this at the Y.

Guy #1: But I thought you liked emo.
Guy #2: I like normal emo. Emo emo. Not goth emo.\\

Overheard by Jade.

Teacher: If you have some notes you haven't typed up, and you have some time over summer break, you could type them up, add to the essay.
Student: Be realistic!!! Who would do that?
Teacher: I did it!
(class bursts out laughing)